Dysfunctional Ramblings

I walk into the living room innocently and BAM. Sex scene on the tv. Not even a tame one, it was one of those, HOLY SHIT, I’VE GOT A BONUH ones. »;

The third day in a row that I’ve cried. This is odd for me, since I don’t cry, ever. 

This time, I had to watch Captain America with Cruella. Trying to watch a badass movie with her is like slitting your wrists with butter knives. Yes. Plural. Even worse, trying to explain how awesome this shit is to her is like trying to get a cheetah to fly backwards across a swamp. It’s not going to happen. You know what that bitch said? That she “got bored with the movie.” I’d bet my life that it was because there wasn’t anyone in the movie that she deemed attractive. 

I’ve felt so…empty since prom, because of her. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Cruella thinks it’s because we’re moving, but it’s because of her. You know, me being “gothic” (fucking hate stereotypes), she can handle. Me being best friends with a lesbian (it’s so scandalous to her), she can handle. But me being a nerd, oh no, that’s where the line is. I’m not saying that being gothic or homosexual is bad, I’m saying that a lot of other parents would give anything for a daughter as “mature and smart” as I am (other’s words, not mine).

All I want is to be loved by more than one person on a daily basis.

I’m done. 

My self esteem is non-existent. 

Thank you prom. 

I went, and at first, it was okay. Then, I asked this guy to dance. He’s normally very nice, and he told me straight up that he was texting another girl to try and get her to come. I told him that I was going to wait for an actual answer. I stayed near him, then his friend dragged him onto the dance floor to another girl. It made my self esteem drop, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t recover from. 

Then, I get home. I was frustrated from the guy still, and freaked out a bit when I couldn’t find my laptop. I asked Lil’ Turd where it was, in not a very nice manner, I admit. I found it, but had to apologize to Turd, which I did. But, before Cruella went to bed, she said, “Sometimes, you piss me the fuck off. You need to work on that.”

That’s it. 

I’m done. 

I am nothing more than an empty shell at this moment, and she’s to blame. 

She is nothing to me, but someone I thought was supposed to love me for me. 

Anonymous asked: are you planning to go see 'the beatles: the lost concert' film?

Excuse me?

Lately, (and this concerns me) I’ve been watching too many movies (mainly Thor. »), and getting on the internet. These men:

Make me smile the most. 

And I do mean the actors, and the superheros they play. 

It’s times like these when I miss Logan the most. I’m lying around, listening to music. I got a wild hair, and put in Mudvayne’s Lost and Found. He and I listened to this on repeat for the short months that we were inseparable. He learned who I was faster than my mother did, and knew what songs I love, and knew which songs I would love. 

I sound sappy, and like a twelve year old, but I’m speaking my mind. Or heart. Whichever. 

I went down to Snowmane’s. It was awesome, of course. 

I get back, redye my hair to a brown-red, didn’t like it. Told my mother. Next morning, she gives a speech on how supposedly shitty we treat her, and how I’m going to have to accept the fact that I may have to be normal in the future. 

Fuck her. 

I no longer consider her my mother. 

She is now to be called Cruella. 

And, you know, if I die, and everyone I know finds this, I REGRET NOTHING. 

Also, Demyx is getting horribly pessimistic. It’s so bad, I want to punch her sometimes. But, I’m a horrible person. 

I’ve also been crying to sleep a lot. Holding my Prinny, Jefferey. Did I tell you about him? I’m not sure, but Snowmane got him for me for my birthday. The best fucking present I’ve gotten in years. I may rant on presents later. Right now, I’m tired as fuck. 

I did not get to chose my family.

Therefore, the way I see it, I do not have to love them.

My mother screamed at me today.

Not sure if I wrote this, but I am terrified of being screamed at in anger.

She did it today.

I usually shut down for a while after such a session.

This is no different.